there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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