Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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