Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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