Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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