the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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