similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
