I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My life is pants optional.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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