she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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