My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
