I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
