We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm drive I can fine osifer
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
