Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
me + whiskey = a bad person
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize