My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
