No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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