Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
