you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
