I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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