It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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