Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
