why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
