you guys were way drunker than both of me
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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