when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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