please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Even my vagina gasped.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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