I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize