Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
