He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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