I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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