I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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