just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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