Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
