I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I am naked and annoyed.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
