plz talk dirty to me
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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