oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Apparently you make a good broom.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
