Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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