guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
