so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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