I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
