I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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