The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
