i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
