last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
