she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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