i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
