if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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