the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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