So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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