I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
