she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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