I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
