Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
