He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
