Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
