Your mouth is God's brothel.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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