When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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