Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Randomize
