yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
