I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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