why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize