I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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