I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
