These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
