Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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